Dear Al,
When I began writing this birthday letter to you I thought to that day in the car with you when we were driving the back way to Woodgrove. I remember telling you how lucky you were that each day you could see the mountains as you drove to school and the simplicity of the dirt road on the way to the high school was such a gift that forced you to slow down in this busy life we all lead. God is everywhere I said. You asked me to listen to this song. You said "Mom, I think you'll like this"
As we drove and listened to this song of course I had a video of your life playing in my mind. You sung along to the song and I had a few tears. It was a special moment. I love you and I love the gentleman you are and young man you are growing up to be.
From the moment I felt the first flutter of your life growing inside me we were connected in a special way. Mothers are connected to all their children in a unique way, even though you, Jess and Jeff never really believed that and would rally for how special you each are, in a fun teasing way.
As you mom I have given you my love but not my thoughts, you have your own thoughts. I have housed your body but not your soul. Kahlil Gabran writes, " For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams"
Watching you grow up has been fun. You have made me laugh and smile everyday of your life, from hide and seek to jamming on your guitar. You love life and you approach life with adventure and inquisitiveness. I watch you in your world of being an introvert and a thinker.
You love your siblings. Your sister has taken care of you from day one and the friendship you both share is a joy to watch. Jeff, has loved the role of older brother from the day you were born. Of course now they think you get everything you want, as it should be, right? You are the baby and the only one at home now after all!
You have a tender heart that is such a gift to everyone who is in your life, along with what I will call "private faith" that leads you to trust in the unknown and know God is so real. Thank you for sharing this with me, for sharing the 23rd psalm.
Yes Al, the Lord is your shepherd. It is also the unspoken words in the moments we share of spiritual connection, something beyond our understanding and we trust it.
We have often talked about those moments that you have experienced God's presence in your life. I think of our time together on Loyalty Road when that car accident occurred in front of us and the man died in my arms. Our many conversations about that resulted in a discussion , that I shared with you when I had gone to talk with our priest about this. You said to me then, "Mom, did you tell him that God talks to me too." I hope you will always be open to the movement of God in your life and that you will always keep your listening heart open to the limitless possibilities of that special relationship with God, where ever it leads you.
Of course, we can never forget the life changing events of our trip to Costa Rica. As awful as that experience was, watching you and your dad be swallowed up by the rip tide, I think in our own ways,we all came out of that experience knowing God gave us a second chance at being a family. We all experienced that day differently and it hasn't always been easy. The hand of God was all over us that day and over you and your dad as you drifted deeper into the ocean. God stayed with you in the water, saving you, knowing the plans He has for you. Trust that. I guess my point is the realization that we are part of something much bigger than we can ever imagine.
O LORD, you have searched me and known me.
You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from far away.
You search out my path and my lying down, and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue, O LORD, you know it completely.
You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is so high that I cannot attain it.
Where can I go from your spirit? Or where can I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there; if I make my bed in Sheol, you are there.
If I take the wings of the morning and settle at the farthest limits of the sea,
even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me fast.
If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light around me become night,”
even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is as bright as the day, for darkness is as light to you.
For it was you who formed my inward parts; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works; that I know very well.
My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes beheld my unformed substance. In your book were written all the days that were formed for me, when none of them as yet existed.
How weighty to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!
I try to count them—they are more than the sand; I come to the end—I am still with you.
O that you would kill the wicked, O God, and that the bloodthirsty would depart from me—
those who speak of you maliciously, and lift themselves up against you for evil!
Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD? And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?
I hate them with perfect hatred; I count them my enemies.
Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my thoughts.
See if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
Psalm 139
Tuck this away and read it often. Remember always, you are fearfully and wonderfully made.
As you prepare for your senior year my wish is that you embrace it with the spirit you embrace everything...with humor,your level head, with questions,with joy... You can do anything you put your heart and mind to. You are smart, articulate, and a good sport. I want you to know that I am your forever cheerleader where ever you go and with what ever you do.
We once talked about "no regrets". You shared with me that you did not want to have any regrets with your life now or in the future. Life passes too quickly to have any regrets. Just go for it. Empty your bucket list.
You know I have some regrets about some of my parenting and time slipping away. Did I listen well enough? Did we play long enough? Did I teach you enough? I hope you remember all the little things, the sound of our voices trying to sing in the car, the snuggle time when you were so little,the blanket forts,skiing with Dad, Halloween costumes, the happy times we share as a family,
your good friends Jack and Drew, the "I love Al" posters from the girls at school, birthday cakes, dinners at Kobe's, late night chats in your room, the I love yous...I hope the video that will play in your mind someday when you look back, will be alive with the joyous sounds and smells of good memories, even the difficult memories will be ones of learning and growth. Our struggles do make us stronger.
"Suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit that has been given to us." Romans 5:1-5
You know I couldn't resist!
I love every minute of being your mom. So on your birthday this year I celebrate you. I thank you for the gift you give me each and every day, the gift of you being yourself and the gift of being your mom.
"Love you forever, like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be."
Happy Birthday
Love you,
Mom
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