I had my Lent observance all planned out.
I was going to have intentional quiet in my life. I was going to take the time to be still. Even in working or taking care of my family, I had a plan. I would continue, to wake early and rest in the quiet of the darkness, read my devotional, pray...this has become a special way to begin my day. Oh and I had Lenten devotional books near what I call "my prayer chair" in my sunroom, even one or two tucked into my purse. I was looking forward to this immersion, Lent in this way, the big exhale of "Here I am" to rest in your precence Lord. I pictured myself cocooning into this rhythm.
Well, Lent has been anything but quiet for me. I have an internal restlessness that I have amplified on my own because I say to myself, "Maureen, you are messing Lent up! Be still! Get focused! Read your devotionals!". Oh... forget about any type of fasting, it is girl scout cookie season after all! I have been very aware that something is going on with me for quite some time, yet I didn't want to embrace it, because Lent isn't really about me right?
What I am realizing is I am holding on to everything that has been comfortable and familiar. The sand is shifting.
For now, my prayer time in the morning has moved to my new prayer chair, the car. As I drive to and from work or the hospital, I now have a new quiet as I talk out loud to God. Oh, and the pile of Lenten books....they are still piled on my table in the sunroom and I haven't touched them. What I am doing is letting the spirit move me, I am exploring Ignatius prayer and embracing centering prayer again...differently. Instead of a word I am using the image of my head resting on the lap of Jesus, which a freind had shared with me. When I heard that I instantly could see and feel Jesus caring for me. Letting me rest all that I am on him. This images blesses me with the calm , peace and rest that I need and that awakens presence within me; with a love that consumes me and comforts me.I hear, "Come to me, you who are weary".
I was trying so hard to create what I thought Lent should be for me, that I was missing Jesus in the midst of all of this. When I stared to open my hands a bit more, my resistence is unfolding to open hands being led to what God needs me to do.
How can I let Jesus lead me if I am holding on so tightly? So my Lent with Jesus is a period of transition for me.
Transition.
Transition is, "The act of passing from one state or place to the next," or "an event that results in a transformation." I am certain of one thing. Transition does not allow you to stay in the same place. You can fight it all you want, but it will let you know, "I am here," and until you transition to the expected state, you and I will be miserable.
My unsettled nature right now doesn't want to miss God in this time. Will my fear of the unknown blow it for me? Am I really trusting God like I say I do? I believe it is worth the risk to go for it with God and not be afraid of the transition because God's transitions always leads to transformation.All He is asking is for us is to believe Him when He says, "
I know the plans I have for you says the Lord,plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plan to give you a hope and an expected end. " (Jeremiah 29:11)
Anne Lamont writets in her book Traveling Mercies: "Buddists believe when a lot of things start to go wrong all at once, it is to protect something big and lovely that is trying to get itself born - and that this something needs for you to be distracted so that it can be born as perfectly as possible."
So,I am embracing my Lent...my time of transition....my birthing to "Here I am Lord" and I do trust in the plans you have for me.
My Lenten Prayer is:
Loving God, thank you for loving me, for choosing me.
I accept all that I am and all that you envision for me.
I embrace your will with open hands to serve in the ways you have called me and molded me.
Walk with me out to the horizon of limitless possibilities,
beyond fear
beyond security
beyond my comfort zone
Take me to the exquisite edge of courage and faith
release me to become.
"Let it be to me according to your word."
Namaste'
Maureen
