As I sit here as the sun rises the day of my interview with the Committee on the Diaconate I reflect on my spiritual journey . Every Postulants story is unique, special and personal. Why do I feel so nudged to share mine? I have learned over the years that God continues his everlasting and forever guiding hand in my life. So if he is nudging I will follow. Following has turned things upside down, gotten me in trouble, radically changed my life, and taken me to places I never imagined I would go. This journey and process has been what God has needed it to be for my growth, reflection, peaks, valleys, wilderness and joys. I probably wouldn't have been able to say let alone comprehend that 8 years ago. I now have a voice and a strength that is developing and what is clear to me is that God is asking me to use it.
I entered Postulancy in the fall of 2014 after first ignoring my call for two years, doubting my call, then seriously discerning for a few years before formally entering the process.
I have
discovered that my life is like a braided rope with these three interconnected
strands. Each strand representing a part of my life at this time: academic, spiritual and personal. Each strand
using my gifts from God in different ways. Each strand discovering something
new. When I shared this with the bishop she reminded me to stay attentive to
keeping all three strands well bound and woven together. If one was too become too dominant in my life,
then he whole rope could become strained and unravel. “Let the spiritual and
personal so balance the academic that it becomes yet another opportunity for
joy. And keep looking into the eyes of
those you meet – friends and strangers alike – to see the image of God
there. That will keep you rooted and
grounded more than almost anything else.”
These words and the image of the braided rope have been a reminder to me
over and over during this time of my formation.
Deacon School has been both amazing, challenging and frustrating. For me
the weekends are woven with academics, camaraderie with my
fellow classmates, worship, prayer and a lot of information. Each weekend leaves me wanted a do-over with all that I have soaked in so I can go deeper into discussion and study. Each school weekend leaves me excited to apply what I am learning and exhausted at the same time.
My studies have created a hunger and
thirst to know, understand and share more. There is a space developing within
me where God’s story is deepening my story. God’s story is our story. I am
part of the ongoing story of God reconciling the world to itself and the
divine. I am invited to participate in the greatest story ever lived, to stand
beside Abraham and Sarah, Peter, Mary, and Martha as participants in the
unfolding plan of God. As a deacon intern I have been able to invite people
into God’s story, to see themselves and their own lives as the story of the
people of God – God’s disciples.
I don't always get it right. I make mistakes. I sometimes have to redo an exegesis, I sometimes get my bible story chronology confused. Thank God that I have this great book to read and study and I have a homiletics professor who will read my sermons before I would totally confuse a congregation. He gently guides, critiques and encourages me. I sing off key-I am really awful and I still do try to make a joyful noise. I am certain that this deacon will never be invited to sing the Exsultet at the Easter Vigil! I have spilled wine, cried at funerals, weddings, baptisms and during a sermon. I have seen children die and ask God why - while trusting and believing in the resurrection. I sometimes have a potty mouth, giggle with the children and youth or get stumped by their questions. I sometimes get frustrated and impatient with the process and the church. If I am really honest I have at times put a paper, service or meeting before my family. And that strains and family and marriage. Communication is key all the way around. God loves me as I navigate through all of this and continues to say "Follow me". My family loves me as I navigate through all of this.
My deacon internship is a blessing. It is filled
with love, learning and challenges. I observe and experience that our community
is hearing by the prompting of the Spirit scripture’s call to be missional –
living the gospel- living and sharing God’s actions in the world by meeting
people where they are. Together we explore through worship, fellowship, and
ministry the priority of the gospel, loving one another as Jesus loves us,
while respecting the dignity of every human being. I continue to learn and be
blessed by the power of presence especially in my role at our Spanish speaking
service (I do not speak Spanish and what I have learned is rough). Together with the spirit and this amazing
community we are present to each other and experience the gift of community. We
are vulnerable together, suffer together, celebrate together and share in the
mystery of God’s powerful love and presence together.
There are some significant moments during Postulancy that
continue to shape and affirm my call.
I saw Church on Ash Wednesday in the ministry of “Ashes to
Go” as I organized and represented the Church. I saw Church here in Loudoun
County in a unique way that day.
Four Episcopal church
communities: St. David’s; St. Francis
Korean/McLean; St. Gabriel’s and St. James came together to share tradition,
history and scripture meeting people where they are on their faith journey to
pause in their day and reflect on this ancient ritual of faith shared with our
ancestors of long ago. The people we encountered all day were of many faiths
and ideas who paused in their moment of remembrance of why the ash symbol of
the cross was important to them and their faith. Many were hustling during
their morning commute, they were the hungry and cold sharing a hot meal at the
shelter before they left for the day, people at the courthouse waiting to enter
and have their cases heard, the cold and jobless at the day labor site, the
young professionals at Starbucks, the sick and dying at the hospital, new life
born at the hospital, preschool families and the 911 call center. Then in the
evening we all celebrated Eucharist. We celebrated Ash Wednesday
service together. Sitting on the altar with clergy from both communities and a
visiting deacon from Massachusetts I saw community. I have been witness to
conversations in both communities of varying perspectives and tolerances. I
have been witness to various socioeconomic realities and attitudes. I have been
witness to prejudice and the peace that passes all understanding where
controversies have been blessed with mutual understanding. In this holy moment the video of the day
played out so quickly in my mind paralleling with the ancient idea of a
Christian community in Acts so long ago. This was birthed right before me this
day. Sitting before me I saw and the Church. I saw our story in a current,
relevant, radical welcoming way during this annual reminder of where our hearts
can be in relation to God, and of the reason Jesus became our atonement.
I co- lead a Lenten Bible/Book Study
with a parishioner from another community using the book: Blessed is She: Living Lent with Mary. This study was held at a
local café and brought together our brothers and sisters in Christ from four
Episcopal Churches in the area, St. John’s Catholic Church in Leesburg in
addition to the wider community. We met at Trinity Café’ in Leesburg and at our first evening were two men who stayed for our study who
were both regulars at the café though not connected to a church. One man was homeless
and one was not. They both became part of our weekly gathering. Both men are looking for a connection and they
now meet at the café and have coffee. I
am also working with our men’s group to reach out to them. What began as a
gathering to share God through study was sharing God and living the gospel. I now visit the café regularly meeting people
and hearing their stories about life and their spiritual journey’s.
I have clearly heard
the call from God to spend more time with him and rely on him more. I am an extrovert who is fed in worship and community. My prayer
life is more contemplative and I find God in music. This shift is a welcomed
peace This shift has been intentional and still a work in progress. The busyness of school, work, family, and
my internship has strained and unraveled my braided rope at times and God is
there. God weaves in and out of these strands bringing light to me. He comforts, heals and sits in the fringe with
me and slowly the healing takes place and once again the robe can be woven
together again yet differently in God’s time. My formation continues and I
trust this is all part of the process.
The joys and difficulties affect my ministry with a deeper lens of
compassion, gentleness and boundaries. What I have learned about myself is this year is that I am strong and faithful along with willing to let go of my own personal needs and desires which allows God to enter into me and work through me. As I open to change, I am open to understanding God in new and different ways, seeking to engage with God, I am able to hear God, to be guided by God, to move closer to God, and to be led to places beyond what I ever could have imagines weaving my spirituality, my ministry and my theology into a seamless whole.
God's call to me has radically interrupted my life. Like Mary, the first disciple, I pray that I remain open, free and trusting - surrendering to God's will. I pray that I remain completely wiling to hear the words that go far beyond my own comprehension to seek clarification.
Today and always, “Let it be with me according to your word."
Namaste'
Maureen
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