Romans 5: 1-5

"Therefore, since we are justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have obtained access to this grace in which we stand; and we boast in our hope of sharing the glory of God. And not only that, but we also boast in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit that has been given to us." Romans 5:1-5

This passage kept coming into my mind as I was in bed praying. I couldn't sleep.

This is one of my favorite passages in the bible. This passage was given to me to read when I was struggling with bulima in high school. Many years later, I was asked to pray this passage with a woman I knew who was going to prision after making some bad choices. Her love of God, her repentence and this passage was going to get her through her year in jail, away from her children. Years later, I read this passage to my friend eveytime she began her chemotherapy. If I wasn't with her, I read it to her over the phone. Recently, I shared this passage with a teenager. All of us in different seasons in our lives, with sturggles that seem too big to bear but with faith, trust and pure stubbornness we all can forge on, lead by faith to overcome. I hope that this passage continues to resonate with those who read it and pray on it. It is the climb up the mountain that enables us to overcome so we can become what awaits us on the other side.

Romans 5:1-5 is my mantra.

I think this passage speaks to our suffering in a very personal way. We all suffer through life at different times and in different ways. We personally suffer through difficulties, health crisis,life's hard times, grief and the list can go on. As a parent, I suffer as I sometimes watch my children suffer. It is through our struggles and suffering that God gives us hope in the possibilities of tomorrow.

I often feel that I live in two worlds, the world of this century and a spiritual world that is beyond my comprehension. A place of undeserved privilege. It is a separation of and a union of something bigger than me, a two sided reality of my life. Oh...and when I am there, breathing in the breath of God....I do have the faith to overcome and that feeling is what I lean on when I forget, which is only human, isn't it? The gift of knowing God is always, always with me, gives me my strength and hope in tomorrow.

On the one hand I am growing in Christ, feeling both His presence and the struggles of life. Then there is this peace that passes all understanding and lives in my soul. Having experienced that peace,I know the climb to the other side of my struggles, to that peace, is what I must overcome to become. It is in this journey that God carries me when the climb seems too much to bear, when I can't do it alone but I know I am not alone, as God lives in me.

I think this is what the apostle Paul is saying to us: We will experience difficulties that help us grow, we rejoice in suffering (yes, rejoice in suffering....I know this is a hard one and it totally sucks at times, but we learn to depend on the strength that God gives us, who is alive in us by the power of the Holy Spirit). We rejoice in suffering not because we like pain or deny the feelings that this pain brings. We rejoice because by faith, we know that God is using the difficulties we face to build our character to be more like Him. The problems we run into will develop our perseverance, which will also strengthen our character. This will deepen our trust in God and we are never, never alone.

Namaste',
Maureen



My 16 year old son told me this evening that I have written about Roamns 5:1-5 twice on my blog. My 16 year old takes the time to read my blog! Now that is totally cool.

My Rosary

"Loving Jesus with the heart of Mary."
Mother Teresa

October is the month of the Rosary, which resonates with Roman Catholics everywhere. October 7th is the feast of Our Lady of the Rosary. Developed in the West, it is a typically meditative prayer, corresponding in some way to the “prayer of the heart” or “Jesus prayer” which took root in the soil of the Christian East.

The rosary is a prayer tradition that I have had in my life since I was in elementary school. I learned the rosary in second grade during the time I made my First Holy Communion, as it is called in the Roman Catholic Church. I do prefer how one participates in the Eucharist in the Episcopal Church. (This is clearly a post for another time because I have alot to say about the Eucharist) Anyway...

My rosary beads are purple plastic. A treasure. Now, I have some others that also have special meaning. I have some from my mom and grandmother, which have crystal beads, a few that have been blessed by the Pope John Paul II and a rosary chaplet from my sister. I keep a pair in my glove box in my car, one is in a special box in my family room, one next to my "prayer chair" in my sun room and my purple plastic ones are always in my pocket. If I do not have a pocket they are in my purse. These purple plastic rosary beads are my most treasured possession.

Initially, the purple plastic rosary beads were given to me when I made my First Communion in second grade. I lost them for some time last year and they found their way back to me, in a very special, very divine way. A God moment or God-incidence as my friend says.

I learned how to pray the rosary at this time and have prayed it since.... my sacred lullaby, an end to the gift of each day. There are times I meditate on the mysteries, times I pray the Hail Mary's and The Lord's Prayer and meditate on the intercessions I am praying at that time. I often drift into a contemplative state and sometimes I feel transported to the foot of the Cross, standing beside Mary, witnessing my Savior bearing the weight of my sin. Sometimes I get insight into the meaning of Scripture as it applies to my life. Other times I get a warm glow through my entire body. I would like to think this is the Holy Spirit.

I love what I call my rosary walks, walks with my dogs when I prayer-walk the rosary. I love being on my bike and praying the rosary. There is something about the meditation and the physical rhythm that is both soothing and opens my listening heart to the Spirit, just being in, resting in, breathing in presence, and at times, being deeply joined to what I feel is Mary's side. A moment of grace being molded to the mansions of my soul, until Christ is "fully formed" in me. (Galatians 4:19)

This rhythm transcends my soul deeper to a union with Mary and our Beloved Lord. The rosary invites us to do, as Mary did at the Annunciation: to ask humbly the questions which open us to the light, in order to end with the obedience of faith: “Behold I am the handmaid of the Lord; be it done to me according to your word (Luke 1:38)."-

I think of praying the rosary as meditative gift I give myself.

This prayer does not conflict with the Liturgy of the Episcopal Church that I love. It sustains it. It is only in the mystery of the Word made flesh that the mystery of man is seen in its true light. The Rosary helps to open up the way to this light, an intentional commitment to the contemplation of the Christian mystery. Mary's obedience to God and closeness to Jesus made her holy. Our nearness to Jesus makes us Holy.

I know I am devoted to the Blessed Mother. Her story has brought me closer to Jesus. It is her heart that I long for in this very Martha world.

Namaste'
Maureen

26 years

"Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; "it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."
1 Corinthians 13: 4-6 (NRSV)

Today my husband, John and I , celebrate our 26th wedding anniversary. 26 years! As I think back to that day, there are so many details that I still recall. We began our life together as husband and wife. We began building a life together that continues today.

I met John through our dear friend Dave. Dave and I were lab partners. John and Dave were best friends. To make a long story short, I was dating Dave and well , you can guess how the rest of the story goes....

We were hard working college students. John graduated a year ahead, I was on the 5 year plan and Dave was working on his Masters. We all planned a double date in NYC to meet one another. We saw the show "Nine" and met for drinks at "Windows of the World" at the top the World Trade Center. It was a fun magical evening. I recall John walking into the Window of the World and this voice inside of me saying, "You are going to marry him". Well, my logical, liberated side, said, " Please....Maureen , you don't even REALLY know this guy, he HAS a girl friend, etc. etc. " Well...that night I pondered for along time. That guy, seemed so cool, so sensitive, so articulate, so respectful, so gentle,so smart, so amazing and yes...so handsome. My heart skipped a beat. So....this voice in my head, I tried to block out. I told myself to breathe and trust in the possibilities.

We married at age 24. We were young, naive and filled with hopes and dreams for our life together.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.
Kahlil Gibran

Our life together has not been hard but it has not always been easy.

We were married for 5 years before we had children. We worked, played and grew together yet separately. Three children in 5 years. We continued to play and grow together yet separately. John worked I was able to stay home with our children. A blessing indeed. I loved being a stay at home mom. I smile as I write that. You see I insisted that I was going to be a career woman,juggling daycare, marriage and career. Well, I melted when I held our first born and was hooked. John supported my decision, with what I now feel was a WHEW and an OH BOY! We both were raised with moms at home when we were young ,so it sounded like the natural thing to do but it didn't seem natural to me. That is not until I experienced bringing life into this world. A gift from God indeed. John wanted me to be happy and if working would make me happy, he was all for it. Deciding to stay at home meant living on one income. Very difficult, at times. John traveled alot both in the US and abroad. We didn't have alot of money and we were not the best stewards of our resources at the time. Our young love made everything seem possible. We moved together well. We created a rhythm to our life that was easy and loving; valuing our independence,respecting one another's independence, our uniqueness, our oneness and our differences.

"Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music."
Kahlil Gibran

As I write this my heart smiles. You know that, the "garage door lifting sound signaling.....he's home sound". Joy in my heart! I often think of this and the qualities about John that I cherish in the joyous moments and when challenges and transitions of our life bring us into uncharted territory.

It is only natural that in marriage , there will be uncharted territory as one grows and matures. Life happens...raising children, work travel, miscarriages, extended family drama, a cancer diagnosis,trauma, graduations,college tuition payments, aging parents...life happens. Oh.... and then throw in a deepening spirituality, and BTW honey, I have this calling. A calling from God to be a priest...talk about uncharted territory.....something neither one of us could have imagined or dreamed of 26 years ago. We continue to grow and mature together and separately. I have faith, I have hope, I have trust and I work on not letting this separate growth hurt this sacred union.I know God has re-entered my life in a most amazing way and that can only bless my marriage. I love my husband. He is a good man, a loving father and husband. At 24 I know I didn't use the words sacred union or feel the depth of that meaning. Over the years I have come to treasure the sacrament of my marriage.

"A sacrament is an outward and visible signs of inward and spiritual grace, given by Christ as sure and certain means by which we receive that grace" BCP pg.857

This grace in our lives has grown out of a mutual respect that continues to evolve into a continuing transformation of two different people, who love one another and will honor the differences, challenges, and joys that life gives us.

So, on this special day I honor my husband for the 26 years that he has blessed me with.

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
And, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Kahlil Gibran

Namaste,
Maureen

Take Up the Cross

"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me." Mark 8:34

The cross that God calls me to carry has many different shapes. I may have to be content with my work in a limited area of service, even when I feel God is calling me for greater work. I may be asked by God to nurture kind and loving thoughts about the person who has wronged me, frustrated me, hurt me.... speaking kindly, take his/her side when others oppose him/her, giving comfort. Not easy...this grace and humility thing. I may have to openly share God's word to those who really don't care or believe. I may be called to embrace each day with a smiling face while my heart is breaking.

Each cross is heavy and painful. None I choose. They have been given to me. Jesus is with me when I lay my cross on my shoulder. I must be patient with an uncomplaining spirit or NO WHINING as my friend's son would say. I don't carry my cross well. I must be truly submissive. I must live into my cross, trusting that Jesus is near carrying my burdens with me. I can't do it alone. Carrying my cross with Jesus makes any burden bearable,deepens my commitment, matures my faith and brings me closer to my resurrection.

My climb up Calvary is difficult and painful. Through this though, the sweet fruits of the Holy Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control will be poured into my soul through the cross of Jesus . "With every cross there is a resurrection" and I trust the growth that is occurring will enable me to be of greater use to others.

Namaste,
Maureen

Good-bye Lorraine

"At sorrows end our eyes will be opened; we shall see clearly that the light shines with fullness; for this light is our God." Julian of Norwich

Ever since I was a child I loved seeing the sky this way. My grandmother once told me."It is God, Maureen". I always loved to think about that. To me it is heaven opening up to us here on earth. A small, small glimpse to the beauty of what lies ahead for all of us.

On Wednesday, September 22nd everywhere I turned and looked up this is what I saw. Driving into work, mid-afternoon, after work. Heaven did open up and extend it's arms on Wednesday. God's presence was within and all around. My sweet friend Lorraine was called home.

I will miss her but I am so thankful she is out of pain. I rejoice that she is with God and all her questions are answered. Still, I will miss her. I will miss her humor, her stories, her spirit, sharing the Eucharist, her prayers and her support of my journey.

You see, I asked Lorraine to be part of my discernment committee. After much prayer and discussion she declined due to her health. She spend quite sometime discussing this with her spiritual director. How cool is that?....a spiritual director at 82! That is just a glimpse into this amazing woman. She was not an "official" discernment committee member but we discerned together. Discussions, that I will always treasure.

Lorraine not only became a friend but a spiritual partner. We talked about God and His calling us all to do His work, we talked about family, we talked about our children, we shared books, we shared our journeling and we shared talks about her death...an honor indeed.

Lorraine did not fear death. She became ready and welcomed God's embrace to carry her to life eternal. Her pain was great. Her faith that God was with her was even greater.

As I sat with Lorraine in the days leading up to her death, when alert,she would talk about "the suite that God was preparing for her". At one point she asked me if I would go with her. I shared with her that God was not ready for me yet but when He was, would she come for me and help me on my journey? She said,"yes".

There was one afternoon that she said, "You know I will not be here to see you be ordained a priest". I told her I knew that. We squeezed hands and at that moment she asked me if I would bless her. My Catholic-ness creeped up saying to me, "You can't do this, Breathe, Maureen. Breathe." I recall saying to myself.

In this sacred moment, in this sacred place, with the grace of God, I blessed my friend. I can't recall what I said but God me gave me the words. Our eyes met after I blessed her. I told her I would miss her and that I was so, so blessed to have known her. I kissed her hand and forehead.

She asked me to stay , pray and read to her. I stayed for sometime after that reading to her some of our favorite psalms, prayers from Julian of Norwich and Hildagard both her favorites. This were the last words we shared.

During this time I could profoundly feel the sacredness and holiness of our time together and the space around her. I believe providing presence to her--as the Mitzvah describes, we become the Incarnational Presence at the bedside.

I knew that was our good-bye.

Over the next two days Lorraine let go of her self and grew into pure spirit.

You did it well, my friend. Your journey was faithful, peaceful and holy.

Grief.

Barbara Brown Taylor writes, " One sure way to avoid grief is to not care. But
we do care. Our nature is geared for relationship. So we celebrate all our
relationships and risk grief when any kind of relationship ends. But we are
richer because of that relationship."

Amen. Amen.

Good-bye my friend and thank you for trusting me to share in your life and in your death. You have blessed me.

Jessica

This is our song.

My daughter, Jessica, (aka Jessie to me, she now prefers "Jess"), gave me a CD on Mother's Day last year that had song's she downloaded. These are songs that remind her of me, strike a memory, and songs she thinks I will like. Best Days became our song. She would never admit to us using our cell phones as microphones as we sing together driving along in the car. This was a carry over from when she and her brothers were little. We would pass the phone from "singer to "singer" in the car. They all loved it. We had so much fun. Of course they would deny it now!

I miss singing this with Jessie. When I listen to this song, a flood of memories play across my mind and I smile. I recall the night she was born, December 31, 1991 -New Year's Eve. She came into this world with a mind of her own, doing things her way, in her time. Jessie was two weeks late. Her spirit and energy were evident as she entered this world. Labor was three hours from start to finish. As a toddler she showed such care toward her brothers. Admiring and looking up to Jeff from the beginning and embracing Al with "Big Sister" love that they still share today. In preschool, she felt bad for the children who got time out and she wanted to sit with them. Over the years she has cared for her family and friends with a maturity beyond her years. She embraced my grief as I sat with my dying friend and embraced her friend as he watched his mother die, opening a sacred dialogue. So ,it really is no surprise that she is exploring a caring profession and to her artsy side...your life is your canvas. Go create!

She is in her freshman year at college. In the few short weeks she has been gone and who I hear on the phone when we speak, is a new young woman emerging. She is more articulate, more independent, more compassionate, more focused, more spirited, more grounded. These qualities have always been there. It is who she is. I think I sometimes was too busy parenting, navigating through life and high school drama, that I missed some opportunities. I regret that. I am so excited about the new relationship that I feel is developing between us.

I am so thankful we can respect where we each are on our faith journey. I love that I can talk to her about God, practice a sermon with her and her friends in her room and share those mystical moments we both experience from time to time.God has touched her life. My prayer for her is that she will keep her heart open to the movement of the Spirit in her life, where ever that leads her... and she will embrace that never giving up her authenticity.

I know we will continue to have those mother daughter moments that bring us both tears and joys that only and mother and daughter can share.

I thank God for the gift of my daughter and for what her life is teaching me.

The Best Days with you Jess, are always.

Struggling

Romans 5: 1-5

I woke this morning to praying these words.

"Therefore, since we have been made right in God's sight by faith, we have peace with God, because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to hearing God's glory. We can rejoice, too, we we run into problems and trails, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lend to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love."

Paul's words are some of my favorite in scripture. This particular scripture resonates with me and has become my mantra.

Paul's tells us that the future will come but until then, we have to overcome...meaning we will experience difficulties that help us grow. God uses life's difficulties to build our character, develop our perseverance, strengthen our character, all while this deepens our trust in Him.

I read this scripture over and over. I feel God with me as I breathe in every word. God is quiet. Yet, His omnipotent hand and immeasurable love consume me, filling me up, like a dam releasing water, so the struggling areas can be restored.

"This is my comfort in my trouble, that your promise gives me life". Psalm 119:50
I am peaceful in my struggles. That sounds like a contradiction , doesn't it? This peace is not calmness and tranquility. It is contentment. My peace is with God. Knowing He is living in me. He is with me. Even though I can not hear Him right now, by faith I know he is with me. It is that peace that passes all understanding.

My struggle is what it is. I must be in this moment and trust, surrendering to what God wants and accepting what he allows in this moment, in my life. I trust and know by faith that coming out of my wilderness will develop continued strength of my character to serve God, being who He needs me to be for Him, my family and the future work He has planned for me.

And I know it is OK to ask, "God , what are you doing?" and to pray, " Loving God, Help me and guide me."

The apostle Paul submitted his life to God and trusted Him. Paul faced insults, rejection and many difficult trials but he was still was content. He was committed to his calling.

God has blessed me with the gift of faith.
God has blessed me with His love .
God has blessed me with guidance of the Holy Spirit.
God has blessed me with a calling.

Have I like Paul really-really surrendered control to God? Complete control, knowing He has my best interest at heart?

I think God is waiting for me to humble myself before Him in absolute dependence. The pieces of His plan will fit together for His glory. God is in charge.

Who is in charge of your life?

Namaste',
Maureen